More Evidence That Kid Rock Is a Tool

Last weekend I headed over to my local movie theater to check out a horror flick. Like most people, I got there fairly early because I like to try to catch the previews, especially since a horror movie usually means there will be horror trailers. Instead, I was smacked in the face with the most insulting, egregious piece of jingoistic excrement I think I've ever witnessed.

Maybe you've seen it. I'm talking about the video for a Kid Rock tune called "American Warrior" featuring Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and the brave men and women of the National Guard. If you'd like to see it yourself you can do so here: http://nationalguardwarrior.com/

If you'd rather not put yourself through that I'll give you the rundown. The video comprises three parts:

The Man, The Myth, The Scumbag
Kid Rock, shown matter-of-factly firing up a Marshall stack and assuming his rightful place at the mic with a scream. He rocks out in a dusty barn or factory somewhere, presumably to demonstrate how down-to-earth and real he is. This is keeping with his schtick as a modern day icon of Southern rock (because god knows all it takes to earn that title is to sample a Lynyrd Skynyrd song and smear it with some lyrics about how awesome it is to be a dirtbag). He then proceeds to vomit forth the most amazingly grotesque and ignorant lyrics about patriotism ever conceived. Here's a sample:

"'Cause freedom ain't so free
When you breathe red, white and blue
I'm giving all of myself
How 'bout you?"

Wow.

Our Nation's Heroes
Cut in scenes of the National Guard doing heroic shit like running toward a helicopter, high-fiving a little kid, breaching into buildings and other soldier stuff. Oh, and I almost forgot: stopping the humvee convoy to avoid running over a kid chasing a soccer ball, then heroically stepping out of the vehicle & handing said ball to said kid. Awesome.

A Hero in a High Speed Billboard
Cut in scenes of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. at the wheel of a National Guard sponsored race car. He's in the middle of a thrilling race. Wooooo! The high point of #88's performance is that, at the climax of the song, he proves what an American Warrior he is by deliberately causing an accident that takes out two other cars and then speeding on to victory!

Take THAT, freedom haters!

Before You Write That Hate Mail
Let me make something perfectly clear to even the most genetically stunted dullard out there, not because I care what you think but because it's simply true: I am a patriot. I love my country. I believe that, for the most part, to be a soldier in defense of one's country is a noble thing and therefore worthy of respect.

Let me make another thing perfectly clear: I don't believe anyone is beyond reproach, including soldiers. I don't believe admiration and criticism are mutually exclusive things. And I REALLY don't fucking believe that I need patriotism defined for me by the likes of Kid Rock and Dale Earnhardt, Jr., especially when the lesson comes in the form of flag-waving, derivative shit rock against a backdrop of crashing race cars and high-fiving soldiers. This is nothing more than blending the worst aspects of propaganda and beer commercials. It's a disgrace and we're all dumber for it.

In Closing...
Kid Rock: Fuck you. You're no Lynyrd Skynyrd. Asshat.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Fuck you. Just fuck you.

National Guard: You deserve better than this. It's beneath you. Truly.